Life seems to fly by faster and faster. It's so hard to keep track of everyone and their milestones, take pictures, and remember what important things they do or say. But I try to do my best and hopefully these sweet babies of mine will know how amazing they are, how much they are loved, and share a few laughs.
First of all, the one thing that has occurred the last month was a brief encounter with mortality for me. I say that statement because for a few hours, and even days I wondered what would happen and felt how fragile life was. I promised myself and Joe that I would write down a few thoughts and feelings. I am trying to keep things true and in order of how things happened/were felt so I can remember and review the blessings that occurred in such a short amount of time. We had visited my parents and Kevin's family the last weekend of September just for fun. While we were there I get this prompting to ask for a blessing from Kevin. I think, "Why, everything is fine and there are no concerns." So I ignore it and don't think about it again, until the following Friday.
I have known I had a thyroid nodule since going to ultrasound school in 2011. I have kept my eye on it, and it never really changed. Then after I had Addie, another nodule had shown up, and there was enough of a change to make me nervous. SO I had a fine needle aspiration FNA (biopsy) at Boise in May 2014 and it came back inconclusive. They didn't have enough tissue to determine if it was benign or cancerous and they recommended a followup FNA However, a low percentage of thyroid nodules are cancerous and so I thought I would just keep an eye on things. Then I got pregnant with Joey, we moved from Sun Valley, and I didn't have a way to keep an eye the nodule. So when I started working again at American Fork Hospital, I hurried and took a look when I had a moment in May. There was more change, and so I went to a doctor to get the order in June. But with all of the chaos of buying a house, that falling through, moving to my parents for a few weeks, moving to Kaysville.....the FNA got pushed back and forgotten. SO when I was working at IMC hospital in Murray and we were doing a FNA, I mentioned I needed to do that on my nodule. A tech pushed me to have it done that day, and so through miracles I was able to do it then and there on September 29th. The radiologist didn't want to do an FNA yet until he could compare it to prior exam done in Boise. He didn't think it looked too concerning to rush into an FNA. He asked me what I thought and I went with the feeling of there was enough of a change that I could see, we need to take care of this now. So he supported me. They also do a special sampling that gets sent to California if the results come back inconclusive (so I just knew that would happen, and it would be a couple of weeks before I found out the results).
Friday Oct 2nd, I get a phone call just after I put the kiddos down for a nap at 1:00. It's from my doctor's office back in June asking about my FNA. I said that I just had the FNA done a few days ago and so we should get the results back sometime soon. That was when she said that the results were back and they showed that I had thyroid carcinoma....
I'll never forget how that hit me like that. I was totally unprepared to get the results back so quickly and to receive the news like that, by someone who acted like I had a test saying I had a flu, not a big deal. In her offense, she stumbled across the words carcinoma and oncologist so maybe she didn't know what those meant. She said I was being referred to a specialist and who would I like? She gave me some numbers and then I was off the phone. That summer Elder Tom L. Perry, one of the twelve apostles had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and died weeks later. That was what came to my mind.... I remember thinking what should I do? How should I handle this? And the feeling of how can this happen? I have two little babies that I wanted to be there for when they grew up. And I was going to miss them so much. And then I got frustrated because why did this have to happen to me? And immediately the thought came to me, why not? At least I am happily married now to a man for five years that makes me so incredibly happy. At least I had experienced what it was like to have a baby in my womb, feel the love that grows there, being able to hold them in my arms and feel that love continue to grow. I had been so richly blessed!! I had been able to serve a mission, I had a good life.
So I tried to call the phone number the girl gave me and it was the wrong number.....I called the office back, but got put on hold for ten minutes. By then my patience had run thin, I wanted direction and answers so I called Joe at work. I told him the news and asked him to please come home early. I needed him and I needed help figuring out what to do next. And he did! His coworkers were so helpful and understanding. They told him to go home, they would cover for him. He was on call that night and working all weekend, but they told him it would all be taken care of. I could have hugged and kissed everyone of them for doing so much for us! They are so good to us. He got home, and after holding each other for awhile, he got some phone numbers from online (we called back at the doctor's office to get numbers and to find out what kind of thyroid cancer it was, but was put on hold for 40 mins). We called Huntsman Cancer Center in Salt Lake City, and after just a few minutes they had found out what kind of cancer it was (papillary, which has a higher prognosis, such a huge relief!. I got an appointment on the 10th with an oncologist Dr Luke Buchman, and because of my background I requested a surgery date, which was made for Oct. 27th.
Now I just had to wait....and luckily it was General Conference weekend. So Joe and I listened and tried to enjoy the talks and council given from our church leaders. I will have to admit, the more I listened the more I worried! There seemed to be so many statements about people who had died of cancer, and I began to think, maybe that's the message I am to receive. That so many have had the same experience as me, and it was their time to go. Things would be ok, life would go on and my family would be ok. And so I held my babies a little longer, sang to them or attempted to sing through tears streaming down my cheeks and choking my words. Keep in mind, I can be and often will be emotional and tend to think the worst our of situations. That is my one of my many flaws.
Now I understand why I had been prompted to ask Kevin for a Priesthood blessing the weekend before. Joe had offered to give me a blessing when we found out, but I was worried because he was too close to the situation. In the past I have received and even heard many incredible blessings from God through the hands of Joe, things that are too exact and perfect without any knowledge of the situation. My faith in priesthood blessings has increased tremendously through these five years of being married to him. However I had received a blessing in February when I found out Joey was going to be a C-Section. I was nervous about the surgery and really wanted a vaginal delivery. If a surgery was needed though, I would do what was best for Joey. I just wanted comfort. The blessing said that I could have a vaginal birth, but that specialists would be concerned and push for a surgery. However, Joey would move in the right position and that everything would be fine. So, I'm thinking it's just a matter of him moving. I go for walks, I do stretches, I try everything I had read about. The more time passes, the more Joey moves in the wrong direction until he is completely breached. My doctor at Sun Valley asks how things are going, I give her the update, she offers to deliver him there. At the time I'm thinking this is so crazy, but it's what is supposed to happen. However, I find out she has a big vacation during the time set for my c-section all the way to his due date. And because of his size, the longer we wait, the more risks factor in....SO I go in for my scheduled C-Section date at American Fork Hospital, just knowing Joey has moved in the desired position. My doctor looks through ultrasound, and Joey is still completely breached. I go in for my surgery, confused and frustrated with what was said in the blessing. Why hadn't I been told the surgery would take place, but that everything would be fine? Then I would have known things were how they were supposed to be. Now, looking back, the size of Joey's head was off the charts. So maybe I misunderstood the blessing? That I could have had a vaginal birth, but if I did I might have damaged things to the point that I couldn't have had another baby? Who knows.....But I finally had received peace and moved on. Some disappointments in breastfeeding and blessings regarding that....I will not deny that my faith had been shaken in priesthood blessings.
However, after the topic of cancer and death coming up in General Conference (what seemed to like way too frequent) I finally decided to ask for the blessing that Sunday night. I am glad that I did. I'm not exactly sure if there was anything different about this one or not, but maybe it was my attitude and humility. Regardless of everything, I felt more comfort and self assured. That night, I swear that I could feel a warmth in my thyroid, almost a tingling sensation. I am not sure what that was, maybe the cancer being contained in the area...I will never forget there was a distinct feeling that went away the next day. I just don't want to forget that.
I went to my doctor's appointments, and everything was pointing in the positive direction. We dropped the kids off at my parents the day before the surgery, I asked Kevin for another blessing of comfort that was reassuring, and my dad gave me a hug and said everything would go okay. It was a tender moment between us that I don't want to forget. We went to the Bountiful Temple directly before the surgery, and had a special moment at the end that I don't want to forget. I couldn't have felt more at peace with things. Everything went textbook perfect is what my doctor tells Joe. If the tissue comes back strictly papillary cancer, he feels that we are done with this cancer and won't have to do more, just followups. He only removed my left lobe, which is what he recommended and what I wanted as well. If there is any variations to the results, my doctor wants to take out the other lobe and then I would receive radioiodine treatments to kill any remaining thyroid tissue in my body (which should therefore kill any remaining cancer).
I have received my results back, and it was only papillary cancer, and the nearby tissues are normal. There is some angioinvasion, which I asked my doctor about. He says that there is some vascular tissue that had some cancerous tissue in it, but he wasn't concerned about it. We would do my follow up lab draws every 2-3 months, and come back in May to do an exam and ultrasound. From my limited knowledge, papillary cancer spreads through the lymph nodes, which mine were normal.
So that is where we are now. I am very optimistic in everything so far. My first lab draws done on Nov. 18th came back normal, so I don't have to take any medication. I will do my part in keeping my appointments, and will continue to have faith that everything is being taken care of. There's still a prick of fear and worry that it's too good to be true. But there are too many good things that have happened and too many things to look forward to. I feel so tremendously blessed, almost spoiled that everything has went so well. There are so many others who have sad stories. I almost feel guilty... But like I said before, I will take this gift, pray for others, and be grateful.
